Ranking 31 Ice Cream Flavors

Atheist Bale
13 min readApr 29, 2024

--

SMASH THAT CLAP BUTTON! Gone are the days of the incipit for articles, I have to use clickbait.

You know the drill by now, I superfluously rank ice cream, you giggle at my stupid antics! Yeah, I’m ranting about food again. It’s ice cream this time, in case the ridiculous clickbait wasn’t enough clue you in. So please enjoy more of my sardonic bullshit as I try my best to not talk about societal collapse and instead focus on comfort food! I know what some of you might be thinking, “Oh wow, a Gen Zer thinking of societal collapse, that’s SO original.” Just shut up and read. There’s gonna be a lot of cussing in this piece, so you know, clutch your pearls in advance.

If you’re wondering what makes me qualified to blog about such topics, I like to put COLD GUMMI BEARS in my ice cream and I have eaten so much ice cream over the years, I can bite into it without issue. Read on, if you DARE. If you don’t wanna read, fine. I have just seven words for you.

1) Chocolate

DID YOU SAY CHOCOLATE? CHOCOLATE?! CHOCOLATE! CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOLAAAAAAAAATEEEE!!!

(I like dark and milk, but prefer dark, I promise my other entries are less lazy and much funnier than this Spongebob reference)

CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEEE!

9/10

2) Chocolate Chip

How do you improve on a classic? Add more chocolate to it. So simple, so incredible. It just WORKS. You can add chocolate chips to any ice cream flavor and 4/5 times it’ll compliment it in some form. I always wonder why chocolate “chips” are called that. Weird, right? I think calling them “kisses” makes more sense, or “tears.” Then again, that could be confused with “chocolatiers,” which I am. Or if you’re really new at English, you might read it as “chocolate TEARS,” which could be really intimidating when you’re selecting an ice cream flavor and instead imagine explosive diarrhea tearing apart your rectum.

9/10

3) Brownie

How do you improve on an improvement of a classic? Add even more chocolate to it. This is NOT to be confused with ice cream WITH a brownie or on top of it. Brownies add a really nice texture to ice cream, a superior sort of soft bite instead of a hard crunch, which is a lot easier to find with other toppings. Brownies also can easily be frozen without tasting like crap, so you know what that means, freeze your brownie edibles for MONTHS on end without issue and slap them into ice cream!

God, you know what else this reminds me of? The Blondie/ice cream dessert from Applebee’s. I could eat about two of those. Which also reminds me of the incredible lava cake “Shark Attack” from the Denver Aquarium. Man, brownies fuckin’ rule, people. Brownies and ice cream, such an insane combo, it’s like Simon and Garfunkel.

10/10

4) Mint Chocolate Chip

Mint on its own is fine, nothing special. But when you add a hint of chocolate, preferably brownie to it, my lord and savior above, it is STUPID good. I rarely get brain freezes because I can pack away that sharp minty flavor without issue when I eat this absolute chad flavor. A lot of people are split on mint, with no middle ground, the ones that hate it and say it tastes like toothpaste are probably the same people who like toffee, also known as “people whose opinions are irrelevant.”

10/10

5) Rum Raisin

More like, RUN Raisin. Seriously, get it out of my fucking sight. This shit sucks ass. It’s the oatmeal raisin cookie of ice cream flavors. You’d think putting booze into ice cream would be good, and in theory, it’s OK, but adding dried up nasty little butthole grapes to the mix? Hell no. It’s made for losers and 50+ year old people who think they live dangerously. Normally when somebody does something dumb, you tell them to grow up, but in this case, it’s time to send granny to the nursing home. Nobody who is dementia-free could possibly say this is a good flavor. If they do, they’re lizard people or Martians. This is probably the only ice cream on Earth I cannot ever consume. I hope the stupid son of a bitch who popularized this is rotating in the flames of Hell like a rotisserie chicken on a spit.

Fuck off.

1/10

6) Cookie Dough

One of the only ice cream flavors I eat that truly makes me feel like a fatass while I consume it. I love raw cookie dough. One of the coolest things about Europe is that the eggs here don’t really get salmonella, so eating raw cookie dough is way less of a risk here. Before I could do that, ice cream cookie dough chunks were how I’d get my kicks. Sometimes cookie dough is better than the actual cookie, when you’re in the mood for it. Adding it to ice cream is a galaxy brain idea.

10/10

7) Cinnamon

I loathe cinnamon candy. I think it’s some of the worst tasting crap in the candy market. It’s weirdly spicy, and doesn’t taste like the cinnamon I know and love. But cinnamon ice cream? Oh, daddy, TAKE ME. It carries the aura of eggnog, or French Toast. That sweet, perfect cinnamon I see in my dreams of Sovngarde? That’s the best ice cream flavor ever made. Put some lil’ chunks of biscuit in there?

Fuck yeah.

10/10

8) Butter Pecan

I know a lot of people piss themselves over this flavor, but I just don’t get it. Always makes me think of this cartoon by FilmCow though, so that’s a plus. Still better than Dumb Raisin.

It’s extremely popular in New Mexico, maybe because we grow so many pecans? But let me tell you, I once had green chile with ice cream in Hatch, and that was…not good, but far more bold and memorable than the geriatric society-catering butter pecan.

3/10

9) Strawberry

Keep the chunks of it out of the ice cream, and it’s one of the best flavors around. I really don’t like to bite into nasty gooey half hard chunks of old fruit, nor am I here to pretend to be healthy.

10/10 without chunks, 7/10 with them

10) Rocky Road

This truly is a flavor the screams “just throw everything together and it’s bound to taste good, right?”

They got lucky.

7/10

11) Pistachio

I had a phase where I was eating pistachio nuts every week. I’d get a big ol’ bag, crack em open, and comp away and enjoy the salty taste. Then, I ate a worm that had wiggled into one of the nuts, discovered it was a common occurrence, and was turned off for a long time.

Much like that incident, this ice cream flavor is really hit and miss. You can eat it and have a great time, then suddenly, you come across a version that tastes like generic green slop. It really depends on where you get it, and I have to say, it seems better in Europe, but honestly, why am I gonna go for this when I have 10 other flavors that kick its ass?

6/10

12) Blue Moon

A lot of people have clashing theories as to what flavor Blue Moon really is. I myself cannot make that determination; I definitely don’t think it tastes bad! It tastes like cereal milk when you’re finishing up the bowl and drain it while holding it to your face like a greedy little piggy. To be specific, it tastes a bit like Fruit Loops or Fruity Pebbles. Tough flavor to describe. Good! How’s that? Let’s just say it’s good!

8/10

13) Orange Sherbet

I like orange sherbet a lot. I don’t care if it’s not even actual “ice cream.” I have fond memories of sucking down like 3 Flintstones pops at a time to this flavor. Normally, I think orange-flavored things come out pretty weak, but this slaps.

10/10

14) Raspberry Sorbet

“THE KIND YOU FIND IN A SECOND HAND STORE.”

Again, I don’t care if it’s not actual ice cream, I just had to make this joke.

7/10

15) Rainbow Sherbet

Do you say it “sure-burt” like I do? Nice. I knew I liked you. Unless you said otherwise, in which case, very stinky.

Anyways, Rainbow Sherbet. I might as well explain for the THIRD TIME that it’s not technically ice cream, and once again, I DO NOT CARE. This shit slaps. To quote Moe Szyslak, “…it’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone’s invited!”

9/10

16) Waffle Cone Chunk

It seems a little odd to get this ice cream flavor when you could just get other flavors and satisfy this flavor by getting a cone, right? Ha ha, WRONG! You see, waffle cones suck. I rarely get them, because they can’t pack as much ice cream in them as a cup, and they also spill easily. Plus you know, even MORE calories on top of the necessary 3 scoops of ice cream you should order. Having chunks of waffle cones inside the ice cream eliminates the dilemma.

7/10

17) Peanut Butter

As long as the peanut butter doesn’t taste like that extremely cheaply manufactured crap, I’m sold. It goes with chocolate, it goes with vanilla, it goes with banana. Those are some big-name flavors to compliment. By the way, peanut butter is the best thing to come out of the Americas, no question.

10/10

18) Coffee

In case it wasn’t glaringly obvious from this blog’s articles, I have a raging case of ADHD. Typically, coffee does one of two things because of that condition: 1) Make me conk out. 2) Prevent me from getting my usual 3–6 hours of sleep. It’s a true Scylla and Charybdis situation. But much like Odysseus, I always navigate my way through, one way or another. I love coffee ice cream, and if it’s with a bit of booze, it’s even better, which I can say for many flavors on here, but coffee truly rules the roost. As long as nobody sticks in disgusting coffee beans into the mix, we’re witnessing perfection in terms of taste.

10/10

19) Bubblegum

As a child, I was always paranoid that if I ate gum, I would die. Simple as that. As an adult, I don’t host that fear, but maybe there’s a twinge of the old phobia lingering, since I feel like eating this could cause appendicitis or something. Bubblegum ice cream is a tricky one to discuss. It all depends on whoever is making it. Sometimes, it comes out tasting like cheap Hubba Bubba bullshit. Other times, it tastes fine, but not much like bubblegum. Usually, it does have a neat bubblegum flavor to it with little chunks inside the ice cream itself. But in any of these situations, it’s never the flavor I look at and am confident enough to get on its own without a backup flavor just in case it sucks ass.

6/10

20) Birthday Cake

Just like bubblegum ice cream, this flavor also reminds me of something from my childhood. And no, it’s not birthday cake. Instead, it reminds me of Kool-Aid. Not that it tastes like that, but the experience of drinking sugar water for mosquitoes as a child and enjoying it immediately wears off when puberty hits. Birthday cake ice cream is simply put, too sweet, and even if it wasn’t, it’s too weird for me to like. “Funfetti” tastes like pure capitalism, a cheap product that harms the consumer with profit for the seller.

3/10

21) Sea Salt Carmel

Fuck yes. Fuck yes. Fuck yes. Fuck yes. Fuck yes. FUCK. YES.

Salty n’ sweet, just dump it on my taste buds. As long as they ain’t stingy with the caramel, I’ll devour the pint whole and not question my dietary choices until the next day.

10/10

22) Superman

Much like the titular hero, Superman ice cream always saves the day. It has regional differences depending on where you are in the USA, but it always tastes like what I wish popsicles would taste like. It carries an intense barrage of flavors to it and it looks cool as hell.

When I tried explaining this flavor to my European girlfriend, she noted it should have been called “Bart Simpson” flavor, and it’s hard to disagree.

10/10

23) Cherry

She’s my cherry pie, cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise!

Tastes so adequate, make a grown man shrug, Sweet Cherry Pie!

Yeah, cherry ice cream is really not that amazing. I guess that’s why the cherry goes on top of the ice cream and isn’t the actual main ingredient.

5/10

24) Moose Tracks

THIS SHIT IS ABSOLUTE GOD TIER. Fucking incredible. Downright orgasmic. Moose Tracks, when you find em in any form, whether it’s generic peanut butter cups or mini Recess cups, will always be on the side of CHRIST. Unless they taste cheap, like a little “too good to be true” price, then they’re just the work of man and not GOD.

10/10

25) Maple

Much like Canada itself, it’s too sweet for me.

5/10

26) Banana

In Madrid, I have a small tradition for whenever I visit the city. I like to go to an ice cream shop in Plaza Mayor, tipsy on a bit of sangria, and waltz over to the display window. Then, I drool over all of the delicious flavors and always pick the same flavor the ice cream shop never seems to run out of: Banana with chocolate chips. I adore bananas. I used to eat them so much as a kid, I’d give myself chest pain from the potassium overdose. I think it’s a really challenging flavor to convert into other forms of food, and with that in mind, I have to rank this fairly. Not all banana ice cream is gonna take like that ice cream shop in Madrid, and some of them either lack the base flavor or just come out with a weird and pasty texture that reminds me of baby formula. So I cannot, in good conscience, give banana a perfect score. But when it hits, I turn into Donkey Kong.

8/10

27) Cheesecake

I’m sorry, this garbage is for freakin’ virigins. Just eat a cheesecake. And to that, I say…just eat cheese! Or a cake! Separately! Cheesecake is so lame. Cheesecake ice cream somehow manages to be lamer. Still better than the cursed Bum Raisin.

2/10

28) Dulce De Leche

I don’t live up to Latino stereotypes sometimes. I hate avocados, I hate beans, I can’t dance Bachata, I have little respect for the elderly, I’m not Catholic, and English is now my dominant language.

But sometimes, I do live up to those surface level traits of my heritage. I’m a huge potty mouth, I like Dragon Ball, I devour chile as often as I can (that doesn’t apply to all Latin-America, of course), I wear floral shirts, I panic over my hair, I’m short, and I love dulce de leche.

Maybe I got tired of talking about ice cream and veered into a topic I never tire of (myself!) but whatever, you get the picture. It’s a solid flavor, but it’s basically just a tweaked caramel.

8/10

29) The Teas

There are a lot of tea flavored ice creams. I’m too lazy to rank ’em all, so this is a general category. General consensus? They’re trash. Look, whether it’s green tea or earl gray, who in their right fucking mind is gonna say “oh yeah, give me Chamomile ice cream” in the midst of a hot summer day? Still better than Scum Raisin, I suppose.

2/10

30) Lavender

Like the taste of soap? ME TOO. I don’t give a shit if “it has to be done right,” the finest artisan lavender isn’t gonna compare to a $4 tub’s worth of Neapolitan ice cream you can find at a child’s bowling party. Just keep that goddamned Cum Raisin away from me.

2/10

31) Vanilla

Baby’s first ice cream! Vanilla gets a bad rap for being “Plain” or whatever. No, it’s vanilla! And it’s time to stop pretending there’s something wrong with the pure essence of this flavor. Less is more, right? There’s something beautiful to the simplicity of vanilla ice cream.

Maybe that’s another reason the twats who came up with rum raisin irk me so. They took something good in this world and corrupted it with their bullshit. Old people took something simple and good, complicated it and ruined it, then insisted it’s great, while the rest of us suffer the horrors.

10/10

Rum Raisin, eat a dick.

--

--

Atheist Bale

I’m not a pessimist, I’m correct. Follow me for troglodyte slaying 101.